This is one of my very early works. It is very amateurish. I am trying to revamp it as I go. I will be posting some of my other early creations. Please keep in mind they are very rough. Please be kind when giving feedback if you even think they deserve it.
Death of a Phantom, Birth of Erik
Chapter One
Searching the Soul
Erik awoke to yet another day. Today would be the same as the routinely dull, dreariness since he had left the opera house burning from his last glorious attempt to claim that which he thought should have been his.
With each passing day he felt his body and mind begin to heal in little increments. He felt his heart would forever remain shattered. No amount of time seemed long enough to ease the pain. Hours drifting slowly by like sand in an hour glass marked time until his end would near. One agonizing moment after another passed as he moved through his days without really absorbing much of what went on around him.
They say a person can die of a broken heart but no such relief came to Erik. As much as he would welcome the relief of death he still clung to this pitiful existence. Each day he hoped to move closer to his end but alas he seemed to grow stronger of body every day.
The constant ache in his chest that was the ache of his broken heart was so great it had to end his life. How could one survive with such constant reminders of an egregious loss day after day?
Three weeks have past since this slow death of spirit if not his body had began. The descent of his soul to hell had begun many years ago. The final push to the fires of hell had been his love for Christine and his wish to have what other men have. A love of a lifetime. A wife and a family. To live as a man and not a ghost. An apparition that lived five cellars down underneath the opera house in Paris held no appeal for him in the end. He wanted to not live as an animal burrowed deep within the earth. He wanted to live in the daylight as a man. To have a house of brick, wood and mortar. Not the hard cold walls of his home beneath The Paris Opera House.
Erik was such a pathetic creature he was ashamed to admit he could not remember his full name. He had been known for twenty years as The Opera Ghost or by some as The Phantom of the Opera. He had searched his memory and vaguely remembered when Nadir had called him Erik. He could not remember any last name. When asked by Father Joshua what he should call him he picked a name from a book he held in his hand. Marcus. He left all his former identities in Paris. He was no ghost or phantom. He was no longer even Erik. He was simply Marcus.
The ghostly figure who haunted the opera house was but a poor tortured soul left too long alone without a true connection to the world and the other human inhabitants. A soul twisted with love and jealousy for a young woman who had stolen the heart of this tortured and lonely man. He had sold his soul to the devil trying to win her.
He tried not to think of the night three weeks ago. To think of it was to feel the searing pain of loss. The loss of Christine and the loss of his home. The end of his world. Nearly the end of his life. Although who would mourn the loss of one monster from this world? Not one among many would miss him. Not one tear would be shed for his demise. If he had not alienated Madame Giry entirely she may feel a moment of sorrow at his passing. Perhaps Little Meg Giry might also have a kind thought for him.
Little Meg Giry. If not for her bravery when following him in the tunnels he may well have given into the call of the darkness. Meg had brought him here to this monastery to heal in mind and soul. He had cared for nothing. In his agony he only wanted to die. To ease this horrible twisting in his soul, which never eased. Christine had left him a broken and grieving man. Grieving for a love he would never have. A life he could never live as others did.
Perhaps he only got out of life what he deserved. His sins were many. It was true many had sinned against him but his were by far the greater evil. He would have done anything to have Christine. In the end his ultimate sin of murder had gained him nothing but Christine's pity while earning his rival Raoul's scorn and hatred.
Meg had told him that Christine loved him and would not want him to die. Her love was not the love of a woman for a man but as the man who had sacrificed so much for her. He had taught her and comforted her all her years at the opera. From the first night he had come to her and sang the poor grieving child to sleep. She would want him to find a life for himself and find peace and happiness.
As they had crawled out of the tunnel Meg had left him to find her mother. Bringing Madame to help her it had been decided to take him out of Paris far away from Christine and temptation. Antoinette had given Meg the directions and a letter to give to Father Joshua when she arrived.
With one last good-bye Meg had left him in the hands of the priests. If Erik had any interest in life he would have scoffed at being placed in the care of such Godly men when his own soul had been black as sin from the time of his birth he had always thought.
The agony of his nightmares for the sins he had committed haunted his sleep. For years his nightmares had been of the torture he suffered at the hands of his mother then later at the hands of the cruel Gypsies. In later years his nightmares were filled with the faces of his victims in Persia. The faces of his victims came to him the moment he closed his eyes. They asked questions he had no clear answers for. How does one tell someone that they lost their life because he was insane with envy or pride, love and jealousy? How do you justify creating torture chambers for the slaughter of both the guilty and the innocent? He no longer allowed himself to think of that twisted evil ruler in Persia. The son had been bad enough but the mother had more darkness in her soul than Erik ever had even at his most insane moments.
Luckily the fire had not caused as much damage as it could have. The trap that the Vicomte Raoul de Chagny had set for him had almost succeeded. The gendarmes had been ready to shoot him on sight at the sign from Christine. The fire brigade had been on standby due to the fact that the house had been full that night. The hundreds of theatre goers and opera house employees numbered in the thousands. Every man had been called in that night. Erik had wondered that night if he should have been flattered by the hundred or more men chomping at the bit for his blood.
Erik had not been as clever as he thought he was. Father Joshua had told him there would be no need for false identities within the walls of this holy place. When asked how Father Joshua had known, the man had laughed then calmly stated, he was a man of the cloth which blinded him to the sins of others to be judged not by him but God but it did not make him deaf or blind to gossip or newspapers. Somewhat shamed for this subterfuge Erik dropped his newly acquired name. He still had no surname but Father Joshua said they would think on the problem together. Something would come to them if it was God’s will.
Erik had asked Father Joshua to forgive him for all he had done. His sins were many. More than he cared to remember. Father Joshua told Erik that his forgiveness would come from God if in his heart he was truly repentant for his misdeeds. All he could do was help guide Erik on his path to forgiveness. Forgiveness was not a lowly priest’s purpose. Only the Supreme Being had that power. If one asked forgiveness with a truth and conviction in their heart it would be granted. Every man who repented was granted entrance into heaven. God knew what was in the hearts of man. God would know if one were not truly repentant.
The guilt of Erik’s crimes would haunt him to some degree for the rest of his life. He hoped for a very short life. This pain was too great to suffer for a long lifetime. He felt as if he had suffered since the moment he took his first breath. He knew for certain his mother wished him to feel pain. She had hated him. Her dearest wish was for him to die in infancy. To her sorrow he had been a remarkably healthy baby. His mind was that of a true genius. His intellect frightened her. She thought because he was so advanced he must be possessed of some evil. His horrid face only compounded her fears.
Erik saw the pain on the faces of the people who came to the monastery, the poor farmers and townspeople from the area. Many were ill and came for what comfort the priests could give them. Others came for food and shelter just as he had. All came for the peace found within the walls of this holy place. A peace Erik had never had in all his years on this earth.
Sighing tiredly he got out of bed not wanting to think anymore. The haunting screams of the people in the opera house chased away his ability to sleep for more than a couple of hours a night. This night was no exception. Having lain awake for many hours he decided it was time to part company with his unwelcoming bed. Sleep being an elusive commodity he made the decision to put an end to the tortuous tossing and turning and find the relief he sought in the new day. Hopefully his thoughts would be free of his recent tragedy. To think brought on fresh wounds in his heart that bleed with each tortured memory. The pain in his chest had become so terrible as to feel as if a hand had reached into his very chest squeezing tightly. The guilt of his misdeeds felt like a ton of bricks lay on his chest.
He needed the sun on his face. A healing warmth and brightness he had been denied for much of his life. Darkness had been the comforting blanket that hid his deformed face from the cruel stares and shrieks of the frightened populace. The darkness had always wrapped around him like the comforting arms of a loved one.
In the weeks since Erik had been here he had not worn the mask. Father Joshua had persuaded him to let his skin breathe. The many open sores were beginning to heal. The mask irritated his skin as it rubbed against his flesh constantly. The sweat and constant rubbing caused the skin to break out in rashes and sores. The oozing had never stopped in all the years he lived under the opera house. He could count on one hand the number of days he had been without his mask. It had become such a source of comfort over the years he could barely stand to be without it. As much as he hated it at the same time he needed it to feel secure. Without it he was poor pathetic Erik. When he wore it he was the powerful and commanding Phantom of the Opera. The Opera Ghost. Feared by all.
He needed to work with his hands. His music was no longer the mistress of his mind and soul. He no longer felt the lure of its loving embrace in his soul. Not one note of his beloved companion flowed from his fingers. The physical labor working in the garden kept Erik’s mind busy and his body fit while keeping him from pondering his loss to often. Those first days he had felt the abandonment of his music acutely.
He wished he could find something that would remove the memory of Christine from his mind so he could sleep without having to relive watching her leave with Raoul. At times he wanted to take a knife and cut the memories out. Rid himself of the haunting recollections of the one person he had taken a chance to open his heart to only to be betrayed and exposed in front of all of Paris as a deformed monster. Less than human had been how they perceived him. At times he still prayed for death. A prayer as yet unanswered. He was too much of a coward to take his own life so he lived on with never-ending ache.
Erik hadn’t died as he wanted. Another wish denied him in a long life of things denied first to the child then the man behind the mask. His miserable sorrowful life continued. He had to find a way to live with what he had done and learn how to be alone again. For so many years his whole focus had been Christine and his music. Now he was without both. No notes danced across his mind. His fingers didn’t ache to play the music that had sustained him for so many years.
He asked himself what more he could have done to make Christine love him. He had taught her how to make her voice soar to heaven to equal the angels. He had given Madame financial aid so Christine would not want for anything. He had comforted her in her grief for her father.
His temper had always frightened her. He never meant the mean things he said when his anger got the best of his good sense. He had frightened her and caused her to turn away from him to another. Erik’s anger at the world had boiled over inside him when he learned that Christine loved Raoul. He now knew that his obsession with Christine and his music had driven him to the point of insanity. His love had been so strong and demanding it had blocked all reason from his mind. Because he had no other thing in his life, no other way to express his emotions he put the entire range of emotions he was feeling into the two things he loved most. His music and Christine.
He didn’t know if he could ever atone for what he had done, but he would try. Erik did all that the priests asked of him. He helped wherever he was needed. He toiled within the walls of the monastery doing all that was required of him. No task was too trivial or too demeaning.
Gradually as time passed Erik began to accept that he could not change the past. He could only ask for forgiveness and do the best he could in the future to not repeat his mistakes. He had to look for a future. He had to build a new life. God had seen fit to let him live for some reason and he had to search for his purpose in this life.
At times his loneliness almost overwhelmed him. When he couldn’t stand the loneliness any longer he would work. It didn’t matter that he got up in the middle of the night and walked the grounds completing jobs left undone at the end of the day. He looked for things to occupy his mind.
He had thought he might join the monastery but his soul was too black to wear the cloth of a holy man. His black deeds couldn’t be washed white enough to wear the holy clothe of a man of God. He marveled the monastery walls did not fall down around them to have his demon born soul under this hallowed protective shield.
He often wondered why God had played such a horrible trick on him. Giving him a face his own mother hid beneath a mask from his first breath but so many talents and gifts he could bestow upon humanity. That one small part of the man that was flawed ruled his whole life. For that ruined side of his face Erik had hidden in darkness away from all those who lived their lives in light.
There had been a time when Erik didn’t believe in God or any holy deity. If there were a God he was a cruel and evil icon. What sort of good and kind deity would let an innocent child be born with a face touched by angels on one side and demons evil hands on the other? Why give him music that came so easily from his mind to fingers then to paper? His voice would have suited any opera stage in the world. Women would have fallen at his feet. If his face had matched his voice he could have lived as a man instead of as a ghost. Something less than human. A mere phantom who had only been seen in shadowy glimpses.
Father Joshua had told him that since there wasn’t any evidence and no one had a clear description of him, for Raoul and Christine had refused to testify and left shortly afterwards to marry and live in England, for all intents and purposes Erik was a free man. Since there was no solid proof of his crimes and his connection to them he could leave at any time. No one would stop him. He was a free man in body even if his spirit was still held hostage to his past.
The fact that he had no place to go kept him from making the final step to leave and go his own way, alone as always. What was there in the world for him except what had always been there for the last thirty years? Torment, rejection and ridicule. He wanted no part of that world any longer. He never wanted to have to bury himself below ground like a burrowing animal.
Each night he made a silent prayer. Please God, if I am to be alone, remove the hurt. Let me not miss what I have lost quite so much. Send me to a place where I can be at peace with the sins I have committed. Take some of the pain from my heart and let my memories fade quickly.
As always when his thoughts returned to Christine he put his hand in his pocket to clasp the ring that Christine had given back to him. When he held it he was reminded that for him there was no happy ending no happily ever after. It reminded him that his was a face that would only inspire fear or pity. His mother couldn’t love him why should anyone else? He didn’t even love himself. He was a loathsome creature.
He hadn’t died from his broken heart but he was afraid he had lost his soul to the darkness that he had lived in for all those years. A darkness that had gone so deep that it had caused him to plunge into insanity. His only thoughts had been to seek revenge and take Christine with him. Erik’s hurt at what he thought was her betrayal made him forget that she was the one person who had been there for him for all those years other than Antoinette. She couldn’t help but turn to Raoul. Raoul didn’t frighten her. He had given her the safety and protection of his loving arms.
Erik hadn’t meant to frighten her. He had wanted only to love her and have her with him always. Erik had tried to control her with the power of his music. In the end her love for Raoul had been stronger than his power over her. She had once been willing to hear his music and sing his songs. Then in his madness he had caused her to turn from him and seek another. His anger was his greatest enemy in his war to win the love of another.
Father Joshua told him that in time the pain would lesson. He felt that a lifetime wasn’t long enough to rid himself of all the pain in his heart. He knew that to dwell on his losses was dangerous for him. His wounds were too fresh to think of what might have been his except for the curse of his face. He shouted curses at the God who had let him live with this face.
Father Joshua was concerned for Erik. If ever there was a man who needed faith it was Erik. The man was a lost soul wandering without direction. If left too long he could be lost to the blackness that was just beneath the surface waiting to take over and destroy what was left of the man Erik was supposed to be. He had lost his way and Father Joshua was determined to provide the lantern for him to navigate through the darkness in his soul.
At times Erik would raise his hand and touch his lips remembering the kisses Christine had given to him. The first touch of a woman’s lips had been in good-bye. Her sweet mouth had touched his foul monstrous lips. She had willing placed her lips on his.
Even if it was in pity he loved her all the more for touching him in such a sweet way. Her lips were the only lips to touch his. Her soft hands on his face were the only pair of hands to touch him without delivering stinging slaps or doubled fists pounding against his face. The scars on his back were the evidence of the kind of touching Erik had grown accustomed to. A lash across his back by his Gypsy master had torn his skin many times leaving so many crisscrossing marks they looked like lines of a map.
Many nights in his dreams Erik relived those kisses and his mind would fanaticize about all the things he could never dream to have in reality. Those dreams left him feeling more alone than ever because they ended in the nightmare of his life. A nightmare that remained all too real.
He knew that he would never feel the soft caress of a woman’s lips again. Never know the loving touch of a woman. Never know what it felt like to possess and be possessed by someone who loved him. No love in his life, just long years of wanting things that could never be.
Some nights he cursed the God that had given him this burden. He often wondered what purpose he was supposed to serve. So far the only result of his affliction was pain and destruction.
He wanted so much to see Christine. He thought that if he could just see her and get her forgiveness maybe he could face the lonely years ahead. He wasn’t allowed even this solace. His prayers went unanswered as his prayers always had. Not once in his life had the things he prayed for been his. It seemed as though God had abandoned him even when he was in his mother’s womb.
Father Joshua told him that perhaps God’s answer was “No” because he knew that Erik had suffered enough and Christine wasn’t the one God had planned for him. Erik found it hard to believe God had any plan for him to have that one person who fit the other half of his soul. Father Joshua said that sometimes the answer we receive isn’t the answer we want.
This God that Father Joshua spoke of must be the cruelest of beings. He let this monster he was be born and gave him no one to show him how to love. Not love as most people knew it. His love had been destructive not nurturing.
Perhaps the gypsies were right when they called him the Devil’s Child. Erik felt as if he had lost his soul when he had given in to the dark forces that had driven him.
In his need to have Christine he had paid the price of his soul. He had given everything and gotten nothing in return. That he was a figure to be feared he knew. He hadn’t even been called by his given name in all the years he was growing up in the opera house. He was only known as the menacing dark ghost that haunted the back stage and would get you if you let your guard down. The Phantom of the Opera or Opera Ghost. He had truly been like a ghost living in the shadows slipping through the corridors unseen and unheard unless he wanted to give a ballet rat or a stagehand a fright.
Erik had gradually come to trust Father Joshua enough to tell him what little he knew about himself. He told of his mother’s neglect but most of all her hatred of him. She had hated him so much that she couldn’t even stand to have his name on her lips. She blamed him for having lost her husband. She told him that his father even denied him. He didn’t want to be a father to a hideous monster that looked as if he were a demon from hell.
Erik had never even seen his father. The night he was born his father had left him and his mother and never returned. He had left a defenseless child with a woman who wished he had died at birth. The woman who instilled in him that he was undeserving of love or even affection. Erik had learned as a small child to fend for himself. He ate what scraps his mother left and stole clothing to cover his small body. Why she hadn’t left him to starve as an infant he never knew. Maybe she thought even God would punish her if she took his life. So instead she had gotten rid of him by giving him over to the gypsies.
That hadn’t been a physical death but a death of his innocence and the beginning of the darkness that was to take over when he was a lost and lonely man.
Erik was unaware that perhaps God did have a plan for him. He was to set him on a course that would change his life. Erik just needed to be ready to accept what was to come. He did not know that fate had decided he had suffered enough. The small boy who had committed no sins and the man who had committed many more were to have the chance for the kind of life they both wanted.
Erik just had to have the courage to trust yet another woman. To open himself up to the possibility that he could inspire love. A love so deep that she saw the man behind the mask he wore to hide from the world.
Erik’s fate would be put in his own hands. He could either decide to open his heart again to love or live in the safety of loneliness.
With guidance from Father Joshua he found the forgiveness he sought. Maybe not the forgiveness of man, but the forgiveness within himself and of a God his good friend Father Joshua assured him did exist.
Father Joshua watched as Erik worked in the garden. It was early spring and things were just beginning to bloom. He had a plan for Erik. Erik needed a new purpose in life. Something that would keep him from dwelling on his loss and the pain he felt.
If things worked as Father Joshua wanted, Erik would be leaving the country and heading for a new life.
Chapter Two
Voyage of Discovery
The lone figure stood at the rail of the ship. He was deep in thought. He had much to keep his mind occupied. He was a tall lonely figure. Standing about six feet two with broad shoulders one would think him a fine figure of a man. In the dark he looked rather menacing. The mask he wore made him look even more frightening. He dared not show his face without it. He knew what people thought of him and so he hid behind the mask.
The mask was a barrier between him and the world that had shown him no compassion. He had no wish to endure any more rejection from anyone. He had suffered all his life because of a face that God had made so horrible that his own mother had turned from him and in the end, his beloved Christine had turned from him also.
If he was never to find a woman to share his life with at least he might find friendship among the crew he would work beside for the next few months. They were not as particular as most about how one looked.
The gentle rocking of the ship was soothing to Erik. This was his first night aboard. The quiet of the night allowed his mind to go back over the past six months. He remembered all that had happened to him that last night he was in his home, The Paris Opera House. He could remember Christine and not feel the killing pain he felt before.
Did he still agonize over his loss? Of course he did. He had just learned to put her memories in the deepest part of him where he only allowed himself to bring them out in his lonely hours at night. He allowed himself his dreams. Without dreams a person had no hope for the future. Dreams for the betterment of a person’s status in life pushed a person to strive and achieve something slightly more than what one had in the beginning.
If it had not been for Meg, he might have died that night. More than likely he would have been found and killed by the mob hunting him down. If not by them he could not help but think perhaps as time passed he would have found the courage to end it all. Erik could now be truly thankful to her. Before, he had cursed her for saving him. She had come after him and given him his mask. Erik knew that it was not healthy to let such a small scrap of leather define who he was but for so long that was his only barrier from those who mocked him or threatened him. Father Joshua had finally allowed him this one concession before he left the safety of the monastery's walls.
Meg had gone with him to the monastery. Antoinette would have taken him but at the time she was under suspicion as everyone knew of her connection to the Opera Ghost. Meg had asked them to give him sanctuary and they had. Her last words to him were much as Christine had said to him. He needed to look into his soul and heal himself. He realized that much of his torment was because he had hidden himself away from the world. No one could see the man behind his disfigured face because he never allowed himself to be seen as anything other than a ghost or phantom. Now would be the time to show himself as a man.
The abuse and ridicule he had suffered as a child had made it easier to hide away than face yet another rejection.
Erik had not been willing to leave everything that he had come to know as his home. Only for Christine would he have left the safety of his underground home. The home that he now knew was more prison than a sanctuary from the entire world that had treated him so cruelly. Cruelty that had started with the mother who was supposed to love and protect him and continued for many years until the inevitable end had come with the destruction of his whole world.
As a small child he had been put on display for the people to laugh at, call him horrible names and some had even spit upon him. He was beaten nightly. He had learned that he had to endure pain and never expect love or even kindness. That is until Madame Giry had taken Erik away from his torment. Erik had thought that he would die in that miserable place.
Through the years, he had listened to the music and learned how to make a world of his own through the music he heard in his head. Until Christine had come, he had no one with whom he could share the wondrous melodies he heard in his head.
When Christine had come to him, he had thought that she was an angel sent to him to share his passion for music and save him from the solitude he had lived in for many years. He could not contain his emotions after he heard her sing. Everything he felt for Christine he had written in his music. When he first heard her sing, he knew she was the one who would give voice to the songs he would write.
Through the years, he had taught her how to use her voice to make the beautiful sounds that made his heart hers.
As her voice grew more beautiful so did she. That he should fall in love with her was inevitable. She gave him a glimpse of what life was like in the world of light. He knew he could not be with her in that world so he had wanted her to share his.
He had asked too much of her. She had fallen in love with Raoul. That young whelp had won her heart within a span of a few hours and Erik had been wooing her for years. The unfairness of it drove Erik mad with jealousy to see them show their love with open demonstrations of affection.
The night she had declared her love for Raoul had been the beginning of Erik's decent into a madness that had caused him to take lives and destroy the place he had called home for most of his life. He had nearly ended his life that night. His one place in the world that had given him refuge was gone. His one connection to the world he had cherished most, his beloved opera house, gone forever.
He had felt so lost during all those months of his recovery. There was no place for him in this cruel world. His one chance to have someone share his life had been taken away.
The priests at the monastery had helped him to heal his body and his soul, especially Father Joshua. The first weeks he had barely eaten or talked to anyone. Gradually Father Joshua had made him see that he could not change what he had done but he could try to live his life so that he made the world better for having him in it. Father Joshua had told him many times that sometimes it is the smallest thing that has the greatest effect on the world and the people in it.
He had told Erik that someday his music would return to him and he could share his gift with the world. The world needed the beauty of his songs and the music he wrote.
Father Joshua was the first person since he was a child who had called him by his given name, Erik. Together he and the good father had come up with a proper surname. Since Erik felt such gratitude toward his friend Erik had asked to use the priests surname as his own. Erik with no surname became Erik Fournier.
Erik had spent many hours working in the gardens of the monastery. The sun had felt wonderful on his face. He had truly begun to enjoy his stay within those holy walls. He had not wanted to go but Father Joshua had told him now would be a good time to start fresh somewhere out in the real world, a prospect which had intrigued as well as frightened Erik.
Erik had slowly healed and began to feel as if he could make a life for himself. Father Joshua had told him that somewhere in the world there was a place for him. He just needed to find it.
The priests had heard of the ship that was to leave for England. The captain of the ship was a friend of Father Joshua.
Captain Sinclair had agreed that Erik could come with them when they set sail. He would have to work to pay for his passage. That had been agreeable to Erik. What choice did he have as things were here in France? One day he would have to leave the monastery. Sooner or later someone would equate his masked visage with that of the Phantom the authorities had said destroyed the opera house and abducted the diva.
His years of climbing through the opera house had made it easy for him to climb the ropes and mast. Captain Sinclair had been impressed enough to take Erik on as a shipmate.
Father Joshua had told Erik that he had told Captain Sinclair of his past. Most of the crew were either running from some crime they had committed or from personal demons. The captain himself had barely escaped the hangman’s noose.
When he was a young man he had fought with a man over a woman. He had killed the man. It had been self defense but the powers that be had taken their time to clear him.
Luckily for him there were many witnesses. The woman he had fought over was to become his wife and the mother of his only child, Samantha. The Captain had told Erik that his daughter preferred to be called Sam.
Erik hadn’t seen Sam as of yet. He had been told that she helped in the galley and cleaning below deck. She could even tend to the injured when the need arose.
He prayed that he would find what he needed here aboard this ship. He needed this chance to feel a part of the world. He would not let himself become a ghost again but neither did he wish to remain alone.
When he boarded he had seen many of the crew. Many had scars, some almost as bad as his own. It had been a boon to Erik to note that the men had not bated an eye to see him wearing the mask. Not one word of ridicule or fright had passed their lips.
With one last look at the night sky Marcus made his way below deck and to the bunk that was to be his until they reached England. Captain Sinclair had told him that he could decide if he wanted to stay with them before they left England for America. Erik thought he knew what his decision would be, but he had yet to meet the next woman that would cause great changes and upheaval in his life.
Erik took one last deep breath of fresh air and decided he should go below and try to sleep. Tomorrow he would start his new life among the people who lived and worked in the light of day. For now it would be his world also.
Erik knew his life had changed, but, he did not know that his life was set on a course that could bring him his greatest joy or his deepest sorrow. How he dealt with the events ahead would decide his fate.
He made his way below deck and found the bunk that was to be his. The other men were already asleep. He quietly removed his clothes and slid beneath the covers. He had decided it would be better if he left his mask on. No sense exposing others to a sight he couldn’t stand himself.
In his sleep that night he dreamed the dreams he always did. They were always about Christine and the life he had thought to share with her. In his dreams he could have what he could not have in reality. In his dreams he was a man as other men were . No need for the mask. In his dreams his face was perfect. In his dreams Christine loved him.
He woke in the middle of the night as he often did and prayed for morning. He wanted to start his new life. It wouldn’t be the start of the new life with Christine , but a life that was better than he had ever had before.
He drifted into sleep again and this time his sleep was uninterrupted by dreams. At least not any that he could remember when he awoke the next morning.
If he was to have any sort of life he would have to give up his dream of having Christine. That dream was over. He had to learn the hard lesson again that he was born into this world to be alone.
His face insured that he would always be alone. Humans were not meant to live alone. They needed love and companionship. He had to find a place in the world where he could live among others and regain the humanity he had lost when he had given into sin and bargained his soul to the Devil. He hoped that his time here in this place of healing would ease the guilt he felt and give him back a small piece of his soul.
It was hard giving up on a dream, especially when you had so little. Sometimes he felt that his dreams were all he would ever have.
Chapter Three
The stirring of the other men woke Erik the next morning. He was glad to escape from the dreams that still came to him. He still dreamed of Christine. They came less frequently now, but some nights they came to him and they seemed so real that he felt all the pain again.
Erik had met most of the crew last night when he had boarded. They had been friendly. No one had shown any horror when they met him. Of course they didn’t see all that was hidden by the mask. Erik also assumed that since some of them sported quite a few noticeable scars themselves they would be less inclined to take note of his even if he went barefaced. Perhaps in time he may gain the courage to walk about without his mask.
Erik followed the others to the galley. He took an empty seat next to Nate. Nate was Captain Sinclair’s first officer. He was perhaps in his fifties. It was hard to tell the ages of the men who had spent their lives in the sun and wind. Their faces were weathered and held all the experience of the hard life they lived at sea.
Erik had barely sat in his seat when as one the men rose to their feet. He didn’t know why until he saw her, the Captain’s daughter. She was beautiful. Different from Christine in that Christine had been all dark allure. Samantha was golden. That was the thought that came to him when he first saw her. She had golden hair that was pulled back from her face and confined in a long braid that hung down her back reaching her waist. For a woman who spent her life aboard ship she had smooth skin that was only slightly browned by the sun. It was not acceptable in most circles for a woman to have anything other than porcelain white skin. Christine’s had been perfectly tinted with just a hint of pink in her cheeks.
Erik watched as Samantha took her seat at her father’s side. Once she had been seated her father said the blessing for their meal. When he finished he began to introduce Erik to those who had not met him the night before. Samantha was last to greet him.
“Erik as you probably guessed this is my daughter, Samantha. She prefers to be called Sam much to my dislike,” her father could not resist pointing out.
“Pleasure to meet you. I hope you enjoy your time with us. Did you sleep comfortably last night?” Sam was not pleased at all in reality. This man had taken the position she had hoped to fill. Her father allowed her to help on deck sometimes but if she had an official title she could then leave the galley and be up above more often. She enjoyed helping out in the galley but her real love was being out in the open air with the wind bringing the fresh ocean scent with every caressing breeze.
“Yes, thank you,” Erik said awkwardly. He did not feel at ease with everyone directing their attention toward him. He had never held a real conversation with a woman before. He had rarely even spoken to men. Most of his communication with Antoinette had been through notes. Erik felt relief wash over him when nothing further seemed to be expected from him.
Conversation then turned to what everyone had done when they were in Paris. The stories were edited a bit in the retelling because of Sam.
The crew was very protective of Sam. Many had been on the ship as long as she had, some had been on board longer. They knew she resented the fact that they treated her differently than they treated each other. She wanted them to think of her as an equal, but, it was hard to think of Sam as anything other than a beautiful young woman. They had learned ways to make it seem as though they weren’t watching over her, but they did with hawk like precision.
“Father, may I help out up top today? Please?” Sam asked. She hoped the advent of another man on board did not get her consigned to the galley for the whole of this voyage.
Her father knew that if he didn’t say yes she would continue to badger him until he finally gave in. His daughter was an extremely stubborn woman so as many times before he gave in thereby saving time. Everyone exchanged the same look that they had shared since Sam was a small child begging to be allowed to help with the many tasks that needed to be done to keep the ship running smoothly. Although an accomplished sailor, Sam was still a woman and one they had watched grow up. They would not dare to try to usurp her father’s place but they did think of themselves as watchful uncles or in the case of the younger ones a brother.
“Finish what needs to be done in the galley and Nate will tell you where you can help,” said her father. He gave his daughter a fond glance. Other than this ship and his men, Sam was one of the few things in life that he cared for. He would dearly love to see her settled in a happy marriage with children. Grandchildren were one of God’s blessings when one grew older.
Erik had observed this exchange in silence. His eyes had hardly left Samantha’s face. He couldn’t help but compare her to Christine. She was different from Christine in many ways. He had thought he had control of the part of him that reacted the same as any man to a beautiful woman. He had deceived himself. His body’s reaction to Samantha proved the fact that he was not immune to other women’s charms. He had hoped after the debacle with Christine that all those useless yearnings had been driven from him. He would have to be certain that he avoided her as much as he could. He had no wish to enter into another hell of wanting a woman and knowing that he would never have her. To know that she was with her lover each night and being held in his arms created its own sort of hell. No, he had no wish to enter that inferno again.
When they left the galley Nate told him what he needed to do and helped him learn how to do the things that would be his responsibility to complete each day. Erik took to sailing with his usual aptitude of learning. Not many things came hard for Erik to learn.
Music had come to him quite easily. The talent had always been there it had just needed the opera house atmosphere to bring his creativity to light. It had not hurt that Erik had been able to observe practices and performances.
His never-ending quest for knowledge would not let him rest on his laurels. As soon as one thing had been conquered his mind demanded the challenge to learn something new.
For a time he lost himself in his tasks. He began to feel better than he had in many months perhaps in many years. He enjoyed the day so much that he had for a short time been able to think of things other than the pain of his losses and enjoy just being alive. Erik lifted his face to the sun enjoying the warming rays beating down on him. Rarely had he partaken of the joys of daylight hours.
Only a handful of moments in Erik’s life had been close to true bliss. Those glimpses had been rare and far between. Even with Christine things had not been emotionally satisfactory. When she had been younger possibly things had been as near to true happiness as he had known it.
Most of his life had been simply moving from one day to another with little expectations for any joy being given to him. He had accepted his lot in life, until Christine had begun to change as all little girls eventually do. He had tried his utmost not to think of her in terms of being a woman.
Over time he found his lustful intentions gaining the upper hand. Not having any other focus for his reawakened desires Erik had given into those raw yearnings he felt for Christine. As those yearnings turned to love Erik began to obsess more and more about Christine and what he wanted from her. Music alone could not satisfy him wholly any longer.
His longings for what other men had in the end cost him everything. He would not put himself through that again. Better to die a man of chaste virtue than risk such debasement and hurt again.
Erik saw Samantha as soon as she stepped on the deck. It was as though he had been waiting for her to come. He chided himself for so soon forgetting his admonitions to himself only moments ago.
Her hair looked even more golden in the sunlight. Why she insisted to be called the masculine name, Sam he couldn’t understand. There was nothing masculine about her. As he thought this his eyes were traveling over her many curves and her smooth skin that showed where her men’s trousers and men’s shirt did not conceal. Once she was close enough he could see her eyes were a sky blue. Not the darker blue of an evening sky but the light blue of a clear summer day.
Samantha came and sat beside him where Erik was coiling ropes that were not in use at this time. The instant she sat down his body froze not obeying his command to carry on as if she did not have every fiber in his being at attention by her nearness.
As she sat she took a rope and began to coil it she asked casually, “So how do you like it so far? Isn’t it marvelous? Isn’t it grand to be able to look up at any time and see the sky above and not be closed in by four walls?”
Sam frowned at her words. Marvelous? Grand? She sounded like some simpering maiden sitting in someone’s parlor. Why was she trying so hard to impress upon Erik that she was not some uneducated moron who only knew about life at sea and nothing else?
“Yes, Samantha it is. I have never seen so much sky at once. He didn’t tell her that he had hardly ever seen the outside world. His moments in the sunlight could be counted with the fingers upon each hand.
“Sam. My name is Sam.” Sam loved her given name Samantha but felt being feminine and having a feminine name only pointed out the fact that she lived in a man’s world where men were the supreme beings, at least as far as society dictated.
Erik’s slip had given Sam the reminder she needed that although she found him interesting and attractive men were not on her list of priorities. She must be sure to avoid him as much as possible. Sam considered him a threat to her plans of one day being Captain of her father’s ship.
She threw the rope she had onto the deck and left him without another word. Erik was confused. He didn’t know what he had done to make her so angry and abrupt.
“Erik,” said Nate, “you’ll learn like the rest of us that Sam is a bit touchy at times. She tries so hard to be like the son she thinks her father wants. All her life she has tried to be as tough as any of the men. She doesn’t hesitate to take on any task that a man would do. We’ve all learned ways to protect her from herself without making it seem as though we were giving her special treatment.”
When Erik remained silent Nate continued, “You’ll learn as we all did that to let Sam know you are thinking of her in terms of being female is to invite her wrath. There isn’t a young man among us who hasn’t at one time hankered after Sam. She set them all to rights once she learned of their feelings. She’d not have them thinking about her in that light.
Living on a ship it could make for some uncomfortable moments if emotions ran amuck. We’ve all learned to look upon Sam as either a sister or niece, whichever suits you best.”
Erik couldn’t decide if Nate had been just enlightening him to how he could handle Sam as a shipmate or warning how he should and should not treat her.
This new world Erik found himself in was confusing to him. Before he had only himself to be concerned about and now there were so many other lives that were connected to him. He was connected. Never before had his interactions with people been face to face on a daily basis. His life had been built on notes and threats as well as acting on those threats. It felt good to have others in his life, but it also unsettled him. What did he know of living among others? Nothing really. His life had been primarily lived alone.
What if he failed in his attempt to be as other men were? Where would he go or what would he do? How many chances did a man get in this life to redeem himself?
“Thank you Nate. I’ll try to remember to call her Sam, but it is hard. I can see nothing about her that speaks of her as anything less than being a woman.”
Nate’s next words settled any confusion about whether or not Nate intended this conversation to be a threat.
“We’ve all had to try to forget Sam is a woman. That is another reason I wish to speak to you. Sam forgets sometimes that she is aboard ship with many men who are not her brother or her father. You just need to remember that if you step out of line with her there isn’t a man here that wouldn’t cut your heart out and feed it to the sharks. Remember this and you’ll do fine.” He then slapped him on the back and left Erik to think over all that Nate had said to him.
Erik had already decided that he would avoid Samantha. For his own peace of mind he had to keep her at a distance. Over the next few days he had no trouble avoiding Samantha because it seemed she wanted to avoid him as well. If she saw him in her path she would hastily make a detour to another part of the ship. The looks she gave him were not the looks he had endured all his life. Fear, disgust, or ridicule. Those looks he was used to and recognized.
What he saw in Samantha’s eyes seemed as if she disliked him without any hate or fear fueling her dislike. He hadn’t seen those other emotions in her face that usually came after someone saw him. Maybe he didn’t want to see those emotions in her eyes. For all that Nate had told him and his own admonitions to himself, Erik could not keep Samantha in her role as a shipmate of a non-gender specific countenance.
He wanted to think that she could at least like him as a person and he could feel the same toward her. He knew he had no hope of more from her. No woman other than a woman he paid for the pleasure of her company would ever be more than just a friend and he couldn’t even have that it seemed. Erik thought it a lucky thing he had made his mind up to only think of Samantha as one of the crew and nothing more.
Erik’s first week was filled with learning all the things that made a ship run smoothly. He absorbed knowledge like a sponge absorbed liquid, or so the Captain said.
The Captain had taken an unexpected liking to Erik. They spent a lot of Erik’s free time going over maps and charts. The captain was teaching Erik how to navigate the ship and all the things a sailor needed to know to sail through the vast ocean safely.
Samantha grew even colder to Erik the next few weeks. No matter how hard he tried she only ever spoke to him if she couldn’t avoid addressing him directly.
Perhaps Erik should have taken that as a blessing as his own thoughts of Samantha continued to be quite mixed. The role of her as only his crewmate had been far too often superimposed by her in a role that would only ever be a reality in Erik’s own mind.
Erik wished he could avoid his dreams of her as easily as she avoided him. So far he had little success. Each night when he fell asleep she was there to haunt him. In these dreams Samantha was a willing partner. He dreamed of long kisses and touching smooth skin with his hands and his lips. There wasn’t a part of her that wasn’t familiar to him. At least in his dreams she couldn’t deny him.
Briefly Erik wondered where his dreams of Christine had gone. She seemed to be fading further into the mist as each day passed. Even as Erik felt relief at this blessing he felt unease for the new feelings building inside of him toward Samantha.
It occurred to him many times that when he thought of Christine all those years he had imagined kissing her and having her with him always. He had never dreamed as he did now of Samantha. Of course he had made love to Christine in his dreams but they were never quite as passionate or as vivid as his fantasies of Samantha were.
Erik could only surmise that for all the years he had known Christine they had never had complete days together. An hour here and there had been the sum total of their interactions until he had made the decision to reveal himself to Christine.
Erik had started to take extra watches just to be able to avoid his dreams. Tonight was one of those nights. He had taken over for Daniel one of the younger crewmembers.
The thought of Daniel brought a frown to Erik’s brow. Samantha seemed to spend a lot of time with him. She smiled at him and was always animated when she was with him. No cross looks or terse words for Daniel. No, those she saved for Erik.
The way Samantha treated Erik had begun to puzzle her father as well as the other men. No one saw any reason for her attitude. Erik was always courteous and polite no matter how badly Sam behaved.
No one could give Erik a clue as to what he had done to earn Samantha’s ire. As she continued to play the magician and disappear whenever Erik came within speaking distance Erik could think of nothing he had said or done that would cause such a reaction in anyone.
“Hello Erik.” Samantha’s voice floated toward him surrounding him as if she had caressed him with more than mere words. For a moment Erik wondered if his vivid imagination had conjured her into being.
He turned and saw Samantha standing behind him. He felt his body begin to tighten and his throat felt as if it were being constricted between two massive hands tightening around him so that he felt deprived of sufficient air to breath.
“Good evening Samantha.” To his own ears his voice sounded rough as if he had a raw throat. It was raw emotions keeping his voice from sounding as it normally would. Erik shivered in reaction to her closeness as his body came fully alive with all those taught emotions he had been keeping at bay for so long. Sweat began to pop out everywhere as his body heated from the proximity of her body being so close to his own.
Sam heard the rough edge to Erik’s normally smooth as honey tones. The sea air may have affected him adversely. “Do you need me to look at your throat? It sounds as if you may be getting a cold.”
His terse “No” caused her to blink a couple of times but she recovered quickly. Perhaps his harshness was no less than she deserved after the way she had been behaving. It was not his fault she found him attractive. If left to her own choosing Sam would have rather not be trapped in the messy pit love can be at times. Attraction could even cause people to behave foolishly when normally they had quite a level head.
Sam forced anger to the surface as a means to combat her growing attraction to Erik. If she was unpleasant enough to him perhaps he would say or do something that would save her from committing the unthinkable action of falling in love. “For a smart man you sure have difficulty remembering the simplest things. My name is Sam. S-a-m.” She spelled out the word for him hoping to ruffle him just a little.
Sam was not only angry with herself or Erik. She was angry with her father. He had been in one of his moods that made him wish for grandchildren and for her to find a husband. She asked him whom she should marry. Daniel who was two years younger than her or perhaps one of the older men who could take over the ship when he decided he wanted to go home to their farm in Virginia?
Her father had thought for a moment and then said, “What about Erik? He isn’t too old for you. He isn’t the handsomest man what with the mask and all but he would be good to you. I like him very much and so do the men. They respect him. That says a lot about him if he can earn the respect of his fellow crewmen. You know as well as I do that they are hard to accept an outsider but they all get on well with Erik. Come to think of it, you’re the only one holding out against him. Do you know something I don’t?”
“Well maybe one of the crew should marry him then.” After saying this she left her father’s quarters and slammed the door.
That is why she was now on deck with the man who had become such an irritation to her. She knew it was more than the fact that her father liked him so much that bothered her. She just wasn’t willing to admit to herself quite yet what she felt for Erik even in her own mind.
She pushed thoughts of him out of her mind as much as she could. It was easier when she could avoid him. She was careful so that she was never alone with him. Now here she was with Erik after having yet another argument with her father. That her father had suggested Erik as a husband was too close to thoughts she had herself as she drifted off to sleep each night. She was glad of the darkness because it hid the blush that she was sure covered her face as Sam sat nervously next to Erik. Not by word or deed would he know how nervous she felt. If her insides quivered and quaked only she would know. She decided that it might be better to make peace with Erik. He hadn’t really done anything to her. It wasn’t his fault that her father liked him so much nor did he control Sam’s emotions toward him.
“Erik I want to say I’m sorry for the way I’ve been treating you. My father likes you a lot and he is always telling me how quickly you have learned your way around the ship. You have really impressed him. He told me that if he had a son he would want him to be like you. I guess that’s why I resent you so much and haven’t been as friendly as I should have been.” A half truth was still a lie.
“Your father loves you as you are. He just wishes for you to have more than what this ship has to offer,” Erik said in a contemplative tone.
“My father wants me to marry and give him grandchildren. He even suggested that I might find a husband among the crew. I suggested Daniel. He’s too young for me but he is good to look at. Maybe I could satisfy my father if I do as he wants. Marry Daniel and have a ship full of little crewmen running around.” She was saying this in jest but in her mind the man at her side wasn’t Daniel, it was Erik.
Sam felt her breathing quickening. She found herself looking at him intently. Shaking herself from her thoughts she turned to Erik and asked, “So am I forgiven for behaving so badly these past few weeks?” She reached out her hand toward him.
Erik knew it was a mistake to touch her but he couldn’t avoid it. He took her small hand in his larger one and stared at their clasped hands for mere seconds before looking into her eyes. Erik could see the reflection of the moon and stars in her eyes. He wondered what she saw in this half light.
Erik was surprised that she was looking at him as intently as he was looking at her. Neither one seemed to be able to look away or release their joined hands. Slowly they began to lean into one another. When their lips were almost to the point of fusing Samantha suddenly drew back and without a word raced below deck.
Erik was cursing himself for allowing himself to think that she had wanted to kiss him. He berated himself and cursed God for giving him all the needs of a normal man but never able to satisfy those needs. Of course, he knew how to satisfy himself as every man does, but to have a woman would be one joy he would never know. Cursing profusely, Erik knew he might as well stay on watch because it would be useless to think he could have a restful sleep tonight. He resigned himself to another night of little or no sleep. If he went to sleep below deck heaven only knew what he might say in his sleep. He had no wish to let anyone know how stupid he really was. Why would she want a man like him? She could have her pick of any man she wanted. It surely was not him who would make her blood heat with want. His touch would not have her skin quivering and yearning for more of his caresses. He must have imagined that moment when he thought they were going to kiss.
Erik decided that perhaps he might go with the men when they docked in England. They told him of the women they visited each trip they made to England. They had promised him that he would have the most satisfying night of his life. Little did they know that he had never had the pleasure of a woman. Yes, Erik felt it was time he gave up on the idea that he could find a woman who would be with him because she wanted him and not because he had the price in his pocket to pay for an hour of her time.
Please God let morning come quickly he prayed. It was easier in the daytime to keep his mind occupied.
Erik had never known all that he missed until Christine came into his life. She had filled a void that he hadn’t known he had. Sometimes in his darker moments he thought she was another curse that he had been given to bare. In these moments he wished he had never had Christine in his life.
Erik knew in his heart that he was grateful for the few years of mediocre joy he had shared with Christine. Knowing her had brought out his darkest nature but she had also opened the door for him to be in the light. It had not been her fault that she could not return his ardor.
He knew that he had to be responsible for finding his own happiness. He couldn’t trust anyone else. To entrust another with his heart was too big of a risk. He wouldn’t do that to himself again. Better to live alone than put your heart into another’s hands. The betrayal had cost him too much.
He hoped he could protect his heart this time. He had to fight against these feelings he was having for Samantha. Maybe in the arms of another woman he could find the solution he sought.
As he contemplated this other as yet unknown woman he hoped that Samantha never learned of his liaison. He didn’t want her to think badly of him.
Maybe if she did know it would make it easier for him to fight against the attraction he felt for her. Would she not then at last look at him with the disgust he always expected to see yet never had in all these weeks?